sex on fire.

time can seal the heart.

what silly words.
but true.

i think i truly believe in curses or karma or vows or whatever hooey that is.
three years ago, almost four, i screamed out to the sky my own undoing.
never a love, a lover, a person to hold for the rest of my four year transition.
i was done with your kind.
and as i come to an end of this time of candy hearts and movie sittings, i think back and realize why it was never me. not in pity of course, but just in wonder.
ive done without. but its never came across to me.


in other words,
you, my dear, are gona hate me as i walk through the door, arm in arm with somebody you consider close to you. arm in arm, your enemy and friend.

and other other words,
ive come to the conclusion that being a year away from you, literally, in that spanse of 120 minutes where something new and something old collided made a difference.
too much of one.
i'll miss waiting for you.
but thats all i ever did, was wait.
and you never gave me any chance to see a messiah in the view.

IN OTHER OTHER OTHER WORDS:
IM MOVIN' ON.

HARK! thy hairy angels' wings.

its that time again. bring out the holly and run away from that mistletoe.
cause baby, its christmas.

i'm going to have to say,
it wasnt a bad christmas eve, ate some turkey and ham and tamales (yes, i know im a flamin' latina feevvaaa), talked to my HB mar mar, found myself something to do on the 25th (MADE MY DAY)and slighty professed my love. just kidding about the last one.
tomorrow, its opening presents time and i really dont care what i get im just grateful for today..like really it couldnt be better. well, it could be better. but i mean take what you have.
i feel kinda pointless. but not a bad pointless. just i have no point. no creative juices. no mojo.
oh well.



i love this man.
best christmas songs ever.

sunrise,sunset.

can you tell?

i want to push you away so i don't realize that i want you close.

this is the weirdest feelin'.

dont remember the last time i felt like this.

and i cant put my finger on it.

can i tell?

also, i think feet are so awkward lookin'.

i wish they were prettier.
they just look like laffy taffy hands.

best story ever that was never finished.

written by: james sainz

published : 10th grade 2007


(click to make bigger)

You live in terror of not being misunderstood.

its two fucking in the morning.
you'd think i'd be doing something other then expressing my thoughts to a computer. so what, its objective. i need to ramble.

i need to know: the reason of life, the response to love and the answer to happiness. or reverse all that and it'll question the same. is it god? is it existing? is it food?

so i came up with a conclusion that there is no conclusion.
here it is and if this was not written, i would tell you to cover your ears.

#3 to all those indie rockers who use to be emo/scene who use to be gothic who used to listen to britney, you are just the same as those jonas brother lovers and hollister wearing kids. why we do we strive to non-conform, to be different? there is no use. when you decide to non-conform and stick it to the man you are conforming to non-conforming and conforming makes you non-conforming that makes you love the man. there is no way out. and what do you do...nothing absolutely nothing. just do what you feel like and you'll be happier. in a sense.

#2 after miles of research and meters of observing i realize that love is a placebo. kinda like if there was no god, we would need to invent him thingy. its the idea that its there. we need it to strive. if we wanted we could rename love and call it poop. i poop you, i love you,makes no difference. its the meaning behind the word. and truly, i truly believe, like hands down believe; that outer beauty has nothing to do with it, well at least for me. i know that is like what tons of platonic seeming people say but if you move me, make me think differently and change me for the better, and 'poop' me, you got me. i had two people in mind, and i tried to imagine growing old with each of them and im sorry to say, but mr. six pack you lost. i think the best time to fall in love would be when i'm 70 and can barely see (and breathe for that matter), most of the people i know will be gone and he wont have to be brad and in no way in hell would i be angelina, so what does it matter. our first date can be sharing prune juice and taking a walker down the beach.

#1 when i think of happiness i imagine myself last new years, nipping cold in a dress, outside in a lawn chair on the balcony porch in the back, watching the cars go by like moving stars in the distance and playing my harmonica as the old year flew by with a tick of the clock.
am i ________ because ... :
stupid- i stopped at alg.2,
cruel- i eat meat,
vain- i wear make up,
poor - i dont shop at urban,
lame- i dont drive,
immature- i dance and sing at random times,
bad- i dont have a filter,
good- i am nice,
mean- i dont like that person,
young- i am seventeen,
smart- i take two a.p. classes,
fake- i won,
idiotic- dont have stories that have a point,
annoying- i talk to much,
typical- like dances,
abnormal- i believe abstinence is key,
old- im not nine anymore.

YES AND NO.
SO HAPPINESS? I DO NOT KNOW.
but the most profound truth can come from not knowing it.

i'm not going to re-read that up there because if i do im going to delete it, so if it sounds like im on crack,
oh well.

and for the heck of it, some kurt vonnegut.
sometimes im a sin-wat in a pool-pah.

THE SPORTING LIFE.

i look in the mirror and :
dark brown hair slightly washed
gray jeans, the same from 8th grade
white dirty t-shirt
dangly necklace
blue converse,also from 8th grade
the same song stuck in my head
plain face, reminants of make up
and an utter look of unsatisfaction
THIS IS ME, TWO YEARS AGO.

how can i have sunk into this regression?

its like i reincarnated myself exactly from the funk i was in the same time,the same place so long ago. and yet it feels the same.
all i need is to turn the corner and see your fresh,apathetic green eyed, hair combed to the side,shirt tucked in,books in hand body looking right at me.



I NEED A TRANSFORMATION
SO UNTILL THEN...
lets get nostalgic.

I WANT TO

EXPLODE.

just like spontaneously combust. blow-up and fall into a milllion tiny pieces of glitter and confetti and cheap candy. because i am a fucking pinata. serioulsy, if that were to ever happen, it would be believable that instead of blood and guts that fill me, i am filled with that stuff. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

today i just helped the rest of 5th realize how dyfunctional i am. i tried to talk about love and all i could think about was the randomest thing. all i could do was rant and ramble about DOGS.and worst i could not stop laughing, serioulsy all you had to do was hit me with a whithered wood pole and youd get your damn candy. i am so paranoid and i care too much about what people think of me. at that moment i wanted to get up, sing mint car by the cure,shed all my clothes(nevermind thatd feel awakward)and tell everyone what are they doing in life cause the only thing we are all sure of is that one day we will all die(its not pessimistic its reality)so get their arses out of those metal seats and take the risks,make love,punch somebody,tell your secrets,be yourself,and then run out of the class with my hyprocritic self. if i had a car, id get in it, and drive to a secluded part of anywhere and leave whatever world i have behind,stand up and scream like the scene from garden state or running with scissors and then laugh and cry at the same time and try to feel fudging infinite. with all this, i think im completely fine.

I KNOW WHAT I WANT and I KNOW WHO I AM.

-stephanie meza

-17

-5'1

-size shoe 6 1/2

-brown hair

-dark brown eyes

-never been on a date.

-talks to much

-insecure

-random

-growing filter

-your parents will probaly like me

-if you let me, youll probaly like me too.....

MAYBE.

i love it when people post blogs only to talk about others and then never go on again. haha i used to do that but i guess im growing up.

YOU'RE A BAD ONE MR. GRINCH.

i'll take the seasick crocodile.

favorite christmas song ever.

i'm (not) okay.

seventeen and half-alive.

theres so many thoughts and repeating lyrics going through my head. so many thoughts, i wish i could put them all in a net,run to desert around me and set them free.

i should take in the scenary, this is the kind of scenary that kids like me fall in love to. the cactus on the ground, the vast pale dirt, a tumbleweed here and there and colors so vivid and bright it looks as if the sky was on fire.

there isnt enought time. we need to leave it all behind. i know youre right for me, i know it, do you? is this a phase, my mind pulls me left and my heart pulls me right. nothing today will matter tomorrow. hundreds of miles away and your as close as my breath in the cold air.

i can see the future now. the day comes, we whisper goodbye and false promise reunions in the summer. the months pass, you travel off and i make my life somewhere. years pass and im ready to leave life here with a promising smile and a promise on a new life. bump into you somwhere near home, a store shelf perhaps. i greet you, your face the same but you're aged i can tell. experience wraps your body, pulling me in. we sit for a talk on what we have accomplished. while you talk of life up north, i remember the love i had in my heart, and for a while it seeps through like and oil leak, but i suck it up. why did i not tell you, would it have mattered? should i tell you now after all this time?

we part our ways,agree to communicate and remember those days.

the definition of bittersweet.

half and half.

"This just makes me ill,

your name is dripping from my pen

Still you're not around to curse,

I'll drop the gun now, I'm still under you..."

sometimes..:

the bouncing noise off the halls seem so real,

and the sweat of my hands still moist.

and the feeling of not knowing where we are going

just that someday we will get there is so pausible

at that moment.

do you realize that its been not weeks,not months

but years?

were all those words you said meaningful,

or prose fiction.

i know your happy but sometimes its nice

to think of what had happened

but never why it did.

its safe to say i love you like i always have.

maybe one day ill see you again and we can sit

sit and talk and even laugh of how stupid

you were when you would drag yourself down

the corridor looking back, while i waited outside

untill you were out of sight to enter and wait for

the ringing to set us free.

its so different being young.

i still have your photograph
and still read your letter.

there was a time.

sweat drenched and exhausted.
you talk of music and tell a story irrelavent that brings you back.
i dont remember the song, but your voice replays.
the night went by fast and i was caught by surprize,
on how you turned it around.
i dont understand you.
at all.
and
for the first time,
i dont feel so different.

boy, one day you'll be a man.

i am happy being someone.

You’re in the mood for a dance
And when you get the chance...

i have always loved the stereotypical dance scene feeling. the pretty dress,made up and hair up, awkard date and horrible pictures. i love the guy finding the cute way to ask the girl, her saying yes and bragging to her friends and ulitmately the uncomfortableness of weird rubbing on the dance floor. haha. i mostly like the getting ready part. but either way. not everything is the way things are planned. i cant be queen and i'm not seventeen yet. so thats probaly never gona be. mostly i am a general old fashioned girl. im kinda normal and just casual. but im not really. the most disturbing thing is i found out once again from the same person that made me realize so many other things about me. making me want to change who i am. but i know i cant. i know i never will. and i know for the surest fact that i should'nt. be who you are. because in the end thats all you'll ever be, you. im odd. and its okay.

TODAY I: helped my sister gain confidence, found out more about myself that i am becoming a better person,made a closer and better friend,watched a guy movie that blew my mind, doubted myself and then regained it, realized just cause we have many things in common we arent meant to be(its just coincidence) and ultimately found that being old-fashioned, is well old-fashioned. just ask.

SO AND SO FORTH. it was a good day/night.