You live in terror of not being misunderstood.

its two fucking in the morning.
you'd think i'd be doing something other then expressing my thoughts to a computer. so what, its objective. i need to ramble.

i need to know: the reason of life, the response to love and the answer to happiness. or reverse all that and it'll question the same. is it god? is it existing? is it food?

so i came up with a conclusion that there is no conclusion.
here it is and if this was not written, i would tell you to cover your ears.

#3 to all those indie rockers who use to be emo/scene who use to be gothic who used to listen to britney, you are just the same as those jonas brother lovers and hollister wearing kids. why we do we strive to non-conform, to be different? there is no use. when you decide to non-conform and stick it to the man you are conforming to non-conforming and conforming makes you non-conforming that makes you love the man. there is no way out. and what do you do...nothing absolutely nothing. just do what you feel like and you'll be happier. in a sense.

#2 after miles of research and meters of observing i realize that love is a placebo. kinda like if there was no god, we would need to invent him thingy. its the idea that its there. we need it to strive. if we wanted we could rename love and call it poop. i poop you, i love you,makes no difference. its the meaning behind the word. and truly, i truly believe, like hands down believe; that outer beauty has nothing to do with it, well at least for me. i know that is like what tons of platonic seeming people say but if you move me, make me think differently and change me for the better, and 'poop' me, you got me. i had two people in mind, and i tried to imagine growing old with each of them and im sorry to say, but mr. six pack you lost. i think the best time to fall in love would be when i'm 70 and can barely see (and breathe for that matter), most of the people i know will be gone and he wont have to be brad and in no way in hell would i be angelina, so what does it matter. our first date can be sharing prune juice and taking a walker down the beach.

#1 when i think of happiness i imagine myself last new years, nipping cold in a dress, outside in a lawn chair on the balcony porch in the back, watching the cars go by like moving stars in the distance and playing my harmonica as the old year flew by with a tick of the clock.
am i ________ because ... :
stupid- i stopped at alg.2,
cruel- i eat meat,
vain- i wear make up,
poor - i dont shop at urban,
lame- i dont drive,
immature- i dance and sing at random times,
bad- i dont have a filter,
good- i am nice,
mean- i dont like that person,
young- i am seventeen,
smart- i take two a.p. classes,
fake- i won,
idiotic- dont have stories that have a point,
annoying- i talk to much,
typical- like dances,
abnormal- i believe abstinence is key,
old- im not nine anymore.

YES AND NO.
SO HAPPINESS? I DO NOT KNOW.
but the most profound truth can come from not knowing it.

i'm not going to re-read that up there because if i do im going to delete it, so if it sounds like im on crack,
oh well.

and for the heck of it, some kurt vonnegut.
sometimes im a sin-wat in a pool-pah.