DAY 12:

ITS THREE IN THE MORN'.

what am i doing up? with cake in my hand and nothing on my brain.

i like reading peoples blogs. i like knowing im not the only one that thinks funky like that.

so, im thousands of miles away from home. i was so glad to go, i was like 'i need to get away!'

and gosh, i think the only reason i wanted to get away was to realize on how much i need to get back. ive realized so many things. ive been so apathetic towards highschool, and with all a good point, but still. having this "im not gona see these people anymore in a few months" attitude is wearing thin. i've already been gone for about three weeks and i already miss well everybody. i'll list some of themin my daily schedule:

-1st: i miss wang and talking to her across the room, and caldy telling us about his life, and kevins insane outbursts and getting burned for being ecaudorian and burning back even harder about being a lowlife cocaine selling colombian.

-2nd: I MISS ROSE. and telling her random stories and making rididiculous noises and dances. and i miss maymay.

-3rd:MOMO AND JOJO.

-4th:not paying attention to class. and thinking about lunch. and talking to people. and sneaking gatorades for mark.

-5th: p.c. everyone but hitler. i like being the loudest, well, not really.

-6th: holmey hitting me on the head, and guessing if mayhall is coming or not, and talking to MIKEL. hes prolly one of the only reasons i can stay in that class, him and holmey.

I MISS LATE NITE ADVENTURES WITH LARA AND DION AND SUNNY AND LAYING ON THE STREET AT FOUR IN THE MORNING AND BEING IN A VAN TILL THE SUN COMES UP. AND I MISS DRESS SHOPPING WITH MOMO AND GETTING VISITED AT MY HOUSE IN MY PJ'S. AND I MISS MY COUSINS. AND I MISS MILK. I MISS MY CALIFORNIA COW MILK.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I MISS RANCH.

SWEET OL' RANCH.

well, im done sounding like a rotten 10 year old. ive lost all my aesthetic dignity. but you know what. im not here to impress.

OH AND ONLY 18 MORE DAYS.

tomorrow,and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

i walk through the door.
my feet feel like bricks, weighed down by the week.
and at least i'm out from the cold, even though it isnt as bad as it seems.
my bed, made of feathers, cotton and clouds never was so soft as today.
for days its been like my life has been constant late-night informacials and all i have been waiting for is the movie to begin, but all i get is a 1-800 number under my chin.
just "buy one and a get $20 valued night light free" for five days.
i've been waiting for a sign, a hint, a clue..something that makes me go"jinkies!".
but nothing.
maybe it was the mood ring i wore, the one that never changed colours.

dont be afraid, dont take your time, i'll promise i'll agree.

relentless.

reckless.
and unregretful.
THATS WHAT I NEED TO BE.

find the lost treasure, travel the no mans land and just DO IT.
i want to be the person i always wanted to be.
A PART OF A WHOLE.

tu eres como me apéndice. a veces no recuerdo que estas conmigo, y no me importa en ese momento. pero cuando te tienes que ir de mi lado, veo el triste realidad que te necesito en mi, a mi lado. no estuve pendiente cuanto falta me vas a hacer. pero con tiempo yo se que pudeo vivir sin ti, pero con el precio de un cicatriz.

THINGS TO DO:
-get healthy!

You live in terror of not being misunderstood.

its two fucking in the morning.
you'd think i'd be doing something other then expressing my thoughts to a computer. so what, its objective. i need to ramble.

i need to know: the reason of life, the response to love and the answer to happiness. or reverse all that and it'll question the same. is it god? is it existing? is it food?

so i came up with a conclusion that there is no conclusion.
here it is and if this was not written, i would tell you to cover your ears.

#3 to all those indie rockers who use to be emo/scene who use to be gothic who used to listen to britney, you are just the same as those jonas brother lovers and hollister wearing kids. why we do we strive to non-conform, to be different? there is no use. when you decide to non-conform and stick it to the man you are conforming to non-conforming and conforming makes you non-conforming that makes you love the man. there is no way out. and what do you do...nothing absolutely nothing. just do what you feel like and you'll be happier. in a sense.

#2 after miles of research and meters of observing i realize that love is a placebo. kinda like if there was no god, we would need to invent him thingy. its the idea that its there. we need it to strive. if we wanted we could rename love and call it poop. i poop you, i love you,makes no difference. its the meaning behind the word. and truly, i truly believe, like hands down believe; that outer beauty has nothing to do with it, well at least for me. i know that is like what tons of platonic seeming people say but if you move me, make me think differently and change me for the better, and 'poop' me, you got me. i had two people in mind, and i tried to imagine growing old with each of them and im sorry to say, but mr. six pack you lost. i think the best time to fall in love would be when i'm 70 and can barely see (and breathe for that matter), most of the people i know will be gone and he wont have to be brad and in no way in hell would i be angelina, so what does it matter. our first date can be sharing prune juice and taking a walker down the beach.

#1 when i think of happiness i imagine myself last new years, nipping cold in a dress, outside in a lawn chair on the balcony porch in the back, watching the cars go by like moving stars in the distance and playing my harmonica as the old year flew by with a tick of the clock.
am i ________ because ... :
stupid- i stopped at alg.2,
cruel- i eat meat,
vain- i wear make up,
poor - i dont shop at urban,
lame- i dont drive,
immature- i dance and sing at random times,
bad- i dont have a filter,
good- i am nice,
mean- i dont like that person,
young- i am seventeen,
smart- i take two a.p. classes,
fake- i won,
idiotic- dont have stories that have a point,
annoying- i talk to much,
typical- like dances,
abnormal- i believe abstinence is key,
old- im not nine anymore.

YES AND NO.
SO HAPPINESS? I DO NOT KNOW.
but the most profound truth can come from not knowing it.

i'm not going to re-read that up there because if i do im going to delete it, so if it sounds like im on crack,
oh well.

and for the heck of it, some kurt vonnegut.
sometimes im a sin-wat in a pool-pah.

I WANT TO

EXPLODE.

just like spontaneously combust. blow-up and fall into a milllion tiny pieces of glitter and confetti and cheap candy. because i am a fucking pinata. serioulsy, if that were to ever happen, it would be believable that instead of blood and guts that fill me, i am filled with that stuff. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME.

today i just helped the rest of 5th realize how dyfunctional i am. i tried to talk about love and all i could think about was the randomest thing. all i could do was rant and ramble about DOGS.and worst i could not stop laughing, serioulsy all you had to do was hit me with a whithered wood pole and youd get your damn candy. i am so paranoid and i care too much about what people think of me. at that moment i wanted to get up, sing mint car by the cure,shed all my clothes(nevermind thatd feel awakward)and tell everyone what are they doing in life cause the only thing we are all sure of is that one day we will all die(its not pessimistic its reality)so get their arses out of those metal seats and take the risks,make love,punch somebody,tell your secrets,be yourself,and then run out of the class with my hyprocritic self. if i had a car, id get in it, and drive to a secluded part of anywhere and leave whatever world i have behind,stand up and scream like the scene from garden state or running with scissors and then laugh and cry at the same time and try to feel fudging infinite. with all this, i think im completely fine.

I KNOW WHAT I WANT and I KNOW WHO I AM.

-stephanie meza

-17

-5'1

-size shoe 6 1/2

-brown hair

-dark brown eyes

-never been on a date.

-talks to much

-insecure

-random

-growing filter

-your parents will probaly like me

-if you let me, youll probaly like me too.....

MAYBE.

i love it when people post blogs only to talk about others and then never go on again. haha i used to do that but i guess im growing up.

YOU'RE A BAD ONE MR. GRINCH.

i'll take the seasick crocodile.

favorite christmas song ever.

SAME OLD.

i walk and scavage through the wild brush of old,tattered faces,

crawl between the creases of ordinary voices and fight off the

never ending wilder beasts of drama fiends, to get to one destination.

my search for the once said unreachable , but now very pausible,

LAND AFTER HIGHSCHOOL.

and no, im not leaving breadcrumb trails.