the start.

its a tug-a-war.
one side, the other.
and the only one falling in the mud is me.
do i leave everything behind?
is this really me?





it could be.

DAY 12:

ITS THREE IN THE MORN'.

what am i doing up? with cake in my hand and nothing on my brain.

i like reading peoples blogs. i like knowing im not the only one that thinks funky like that.

so, im thousands of miles away from home. i was so glad to go, i was like 'i need to get away!'

and gosh, i think the only reason i wanted to get away was to realize on how much i need to get back. ive realized so many things. ive been so apathetic towards highschool, and with all a good point, but still. having this "im not gona see these people anymore in a few months" attitude is wearing thin. i've already been gone for about three weeks and i already miss well everybody. i'll list some of themin my daily schedule:

-1st: i miss wang and talking to her across the room, and caldy telling us about his life, and kevins insane outbursts and getting burned for being ecaudorian and burning back even harder about being a lowlife cocaine selling colombian.

-2nd: I MISS ROSE. and telling her random stories and making rididiculous noises and dances. and i miss maymay.

-3rd:MOMO AND JOJO.

-4th:not paying attention to class. and thinking about lunch. and talking to people. and sneaking gatorades for mark.

-5th: p.c. everyone but hitler. i like being the loudest, well, not really.

-6th: holmey hitting me on the head, and guessing if mayhall is coming or not, and talking to MIKEL. hes prolly one of the only reasons i can stay in that class, him and holmey.

I MISS LATE NITE ADVENTURES WITH LARA AND DION AND SUNNY AND LAYING ON THE STREET AT FOUR IN THE MORNING AND BEING IN A VAN TILL THE SUN COMES UP. AND I MISS DRESS SHOPPING WITH MOMO AND GETTING VISITED AT MY HOUSE IN MY PJ'S. AND I MISS MY COUSINS. AND I MISS MILK. I MISS MY CALIFORNIA COW MILK.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I MISS RANCH.

SWEET OL' RANCH.

well, im done sounding like a rotten 10 year old. ive lost all my aesthetic dignity. but you know what. im not here to impress.

OH AND ONLY 18 MORE DAYS.

sex on fire.

time can seal the heart.

what silly words.
but true.

i think i truly believe in curses or karma or vows or whatever hooey that is.
three years ago, almost four, i screamed out to the sky my own undoing.
never a love, a lover, a person to hold for the rest of my four year transition.
i was done with your kind.
and as i come to an end of this time of candy hearts and movie sittings, i think back and realize why it was never me. not in pity of course, but just in wonder.
ive done without. but its never came across to me.


in other words,
you, my dear, are gona hate me as i walk through the door, arm in arm with somebody you consider close to you. arm in arm, your enemy and friend.

and other other words,
ive come to the conclusion that being a year away from you, literally, in that spanse of 120 minutes where something new and something old collided made a difference.
too much of one.
i'll miss waiting for you.
but thats all i ever did, was wait.
and you never gave me any chance to see a messiah in the view.

IN OTHER OTHER OTHER WORDS:
IM MOVIN' ON.

HARK! thy hairy angels' wings.

its that time again. bring out the holly and run away from that mistletoe.
cause baby, its christmas.

i'm going to have to say,
it wasnt a bad christmas eve, ate some turkey and ham and tamales (yes, i know im a flamin' latina feevvaaa), talked to my HB mar mar, found myself something to do on the 25th (MADE MY DAY)and slighty professed my love. just kidding about the last one.
tomorrow, its opening presents time and i really dont care what i get im just grateful for today..like really it couldnt be better. well, it could be better. but i mean take what you have.
i feel kinda pointless. but not a bad pointless. just i have no point. no creative juices. no mojo.
oh well.



i love this man.
best christmas songs ever.

quote quote quotes.

i used like the simplest quote ever. and plus its on my profile.
HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU,KID.


really my intrepreatation of the quote is that well here is looking at you now. i guess? dunno.
its from one of the best movies ever. casablanca.
i was gona use one from harold and maude. but you needed to watch the movie to understand it.
life,life,life,life is good right now.
tomorrow: chili cheese fries (prolly) with momo.
then art with rose.
then sleep.
then english.
then rehersal.
then salon.
sleep.
and new day.
STILL NERVOUS AND EXCITED.

from colors of the wind..

to chongas to crazy bitch.

knotts was amazing! and chick-fil-a with wangwang and the other chongas started it off!
i truly think that i can trust most of chongos i went with and i am so glad that im closer to the wangster and nattles. a few more days and everything will come together. so excited. but at the same time im super nervous. i dunno what to expect. but i'll have my home dawgs to talk to it about.





more pictures at
www.flickr.com/photos/germooo

my feet is my only carriage,

So Ive got to push on through.
But while Im gone, I mean:
Everythings gonna be all right!

weekend cap-up-

friday:home fall asleep.
saturday: SAT, eagle eye with family,freak out sleep.
sunday: swapswap,dress shopping with the terrible two SBF crew, calm down/no doubt and sleep.

right now my life is a book shelf. a book falls out of place and messes up the alphabetized routine. disorder. and then the book goes back into its slot and everything seems alright untill the next one decides to get misplaced. or i decide to get a new book. either way, someway,someshape things will be okay just reading along.

A heart that's full up like a landfill,

a job that slowly kills you,
bruises that won't heal.
You look so tired-unhappy.

each day i wake up, put on my armor and get ready to travel down the road of an ordinary routinal phase of potential confrontation. prepare myself for the worst, if bad happens let it and not think of the best for that wont help on most occasions, but its always good to dream. never to hope. for some of the bravest and valient men alive have fallen to that one, unexpected cause.hope. hunger and thirst, breath and thrive. throughout the day it seems all it could ever be. and what i make it to be, sums up the left out reasons. keeping my shield polished, but rarely used i hide it away for necessary times of battle. finishing the day i clean and hang my suit up, seeing my reflection on the shiny metal i smile. and i dwell that maybe one day i wont need it at all, cause carrying it around gets heavy sometimes.

im not ready for anything comming my way.

please please please.

...candles make a lovely light
But not as bright as your eyes tonight.

please dont bail on me.
this means so much to me.

i have everything planned in my head. the shopping, the preparation, the walk down, the look on your face and the hurting cheeks from all the smiling and posing for pictures, the ride there (not the conversation though), the late dine-out, and the surprize at the end that will emabark a momentus occasion in your life.

i hope you dont think i am going overboard but ive never attended one of these shennanigans and doing all this effort is the appreciation i have of you accompaning me there. please dont mistake it as sly affection. im really not asking much on your part just to be there for mine.