DAY 12:

ITS THREE IN THE MORN'.

what am i doing up? with cake in my hand and nothing on my brain.

i like reading peoples blogs. i like knowing im not the only one that thinks funky like that.

so, im thousands of miles away from home. i was so glad to go, i was like 'i need to get away!'

and gosh, i think the only reason i wanted to get away was to realize on how much i need to get back. ive realized so many things. ive been so apathetic towards highschool, and with all a good point, but still. having this "im not gona see these people anymore in a few months" attitude is wearing thin. i've already been gone for about three weeks and i already miss well everybody. i'll list some of themin my daily schedule:

-1st: i miss wang and talking to her across the room, and caldy telling us about his life, and kevins insane outbursts and getting burned for being ecaudorian and burning back even harder about being a lowlife cocaine selling colombian.

-2nd: I MISS ROSE. and telling her random stories and making rididiculous noises and dances. and i miss maymay.

-3rd:MOMO AND JOJO.

-4th:not paying attention to class. and thinking about lunch. and talking to people. and sneaking gatorades for mark.

-5th: p.c. everyone but hitler. i like being the loudest, well, not really.

-6th: holmey hitting me on the head, and guessing if mayhall is coming or not, and talking to MIKEL. hes prolly one of the only reasons i can stay in that class, him and holmey.

I MISS LATE NITE ADVENTURES WITH LARA AND DION AND SUNNY AND LAYING ON THE STREET AT FOUR IN THE MORNING AND BEING IN A VAN TILL THE SUN COMES UP. AND I MISS DRESS SHOPPING WITH MOMO AND GETTING VISITED AT MY HOUSE IN MY PJ'S. AND I MISS MY COUSINS. AND I MISS MILK. I MISS MY CALIFORNIA COW MILK.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I MISS RANCH.

SWEET OL' RANCH.

well, im done sounding like a rotten 10 year old. ive lost all my aesthetic dignity. but you know what. im not here to impress.

OH AND ONLY 18 MORE DAYS.

sex on fire.

time can seal the heart.

what silly words.
but true.

i think i truly believe in curses or karma or vows or whatever hooey that is.
three years ago, almost four, i screamed out to the sky my own undoing.
never a love, a lover, a person to hold for the rest of my four year transition.
i was done with your kind.
and as i come to an end of this time of candy hearts and movie sittings, i think back and realize why it was never me. not in pity of course, but just in wonder.
ive done without. but its never came across to me.


in other words,
you, my dear, are gona hate me as i walk through the door, arm in arm with somebody you consider close to you. arm in arm, your enemy and friend.

and other other words,
ive come to the conclusion that being a year away from you, literally, in that spanse of 120 minutes where something new and something old collided made a difference.
too much of one.
i'll miss waiting for you.
but thats all i ever did, was wait.
and you never gave me any chance to see a messiah in the view.

IN OTHER OTHER OTHER WORDS:
IM MOVIN' ON.

HARK! thy hairy angels' wings.

its that time again. bring out the holly and run away from that mistletoe.
cause baby, its christmas.

i'm going to have to say,
it wasnt a bad christmas eve, ate some turkey and ham and tamales (yes, i know im a flamin' latina feevvaaa), talked to my HB mar mar, found myself something to do on the 25th (MADE MY DAY)and slighty professed my love. just kidding about the last one.
tomorrow, its opening presents time and i really dont care what i get im just grateful for today..like really it couldnt be better. well, it could be better. but i mean take what you have.
i feel kinda pointless. but not a bad pointless. just i have no point. no creative juices. no mojo.
oh well.



i love this man.
best christmas songs ever.

SNARFARGUSNUCK.

a month ago i would prolly be showering this with insanely explicit lettering,
but now since i have my new and improved word filter, ill stick to good ol' gibberish.

THIS IS A BUNCH OF SHIP WAX.
IF I COULD, I WOULD GO UP TO YOU AND FLUBBING TELL YOU EVERYTHING.
EVERYTHING.
WHATS HOLDING ME BACK?
OH, I DUNNO, MY FLUBBING DIGNITY AND PRIDE.
GABBERSQUAT! HELICOPTORSACK! MOONMONKIES!
YOU PICKININNY! ARE YOU REALLY THAT BLIND?
ARE YOU REALLY?
DO I HAVE TO PARADE AROUND WITH A BANNER?
FLUKING CUSTARDBUTTON.
AKGTKERLGJOAJGI;OAEJDAIOGTJASLGNJALKGS;LJGEOSPJDIOJALKGAKLETIHAGH!KHDFKLALDAHLLK;AJIKLJKLASHJCACAKDJKAJCIUCURKCUFKJDFKAJK!
I SERIOUSLY THINK RUNNING AROUND BARE NAKED THROUGH BOYLE HEIGHTS WITH A SIGN THAT SAYS "MAKE HUMMUS NOT WAR" IS LESS OBVIOUS.


all the cards are on the table, and yet i still think im going to win.
you have the ace and i have a joker.
im the joker.
im the joke.


its funny, all my life i like to confront my problems,then run away so fast i dont see the consequences and i never look back.
but i wonder this time,
will i have the heart to not take a peak?
its just the turn of a head.

all life is..is just the turn of a head.

tomorrow,and tomorrow, and tomorrow.

i walk through the door.
my feet feel like bricks, weighed down by the week.
and at least i'm out from the cold, even though it isnt as bad as it seems.
my bed, made of feathers, cotton and clouds never was so soft as today.
for days its been like my life has been constant late-night informacials and all i have been waiting for is the movie to begin, but all i get is a 1-800 number under my chin.
just "buy one and a get $20 valued night light free" for five days.
i've been waiting for a sign, a hint, a clue..something that makes me go"jinkies!".
but nothing.
maybe it was the mood ring i wore, the one that never changed colours.

dont be afraid, dont take your time, i'll promise i'll agree.

sunrise,sunset.

can you tell?

i want to push you away so i don't realize that i want you close.

this is the weirdest feelin'.

dont remember the last time i felt like this.

and i cant put my finger on it.

can i tell?

also, i think feet are so awkward lookin'.

i wish they were prettier.
they just look like laffy taffy hands.