as if we'd never meet again

i cant help it. i have never lived life as if it was my last day, always waiting for the sun to come up the next day. basically i have always lived life waiting. leaving things for promises of tomorrow. complaining time to time about not achieving happiness, as if it was some goal, some diet plan, something to mark an X on my calendar.

so i'm cleaning out my room, and really cleaning it out. i'm the type of person that saves every single little tiny thing with any attachment of sentimental or memorial value. example: creative doodles on homework circa fifth grade, why do i need that? i dont know. i just tell myself one day i'll want to remember that one point in time in my life if memory does not serve me anymore when im older. it could happen, right? well, i thought. untill, today. i threw all that stuff out, all of it from fourth grade to this last year of highschool. yes, it pained me and stabbed at my chest, especially when i got to the newer stuff, since i didnt really want to forget that when i was older. but i never really connected it all. the memory souveniers, the happiness search, and the living each day as your last thing. i cant hold on to these things for forever, i cant hold onto little exchanged notes in class and funny bored drawings because if i do then i can never fully live the rest of my life without baggage, i just have to wait for the next day to add to this luggage, another movie stub perhaps. and i did not realize all of this untill it all of a sudden hit me upside the head, literally. a pack of goodbyes fell from my top shelf and landed perfectly on the crown of head. i began to read, and i came to one and i realized why do i want to hold onto this? why do i want to wait for this. this never helped me and i do not miss it, this was never there for me and this will not bother me any longer, this will now become that. and straight into the trash. all of it straight into the trash all the selfishness and unneeded joy. i dont need my past to make me happy, i dont need my promising future, all i need is today, this day. i will live, as if we'd never meet again.