DAY 12:

ITS THREE IN THE MORN'.

what am i doing up? with cake in my hand and nothing on my brain.

i like reading peoples blogs. i like knowing im not the only one that thinks funky like that.

so, im thousands of miles away from home. i was so glad to go, i was like 'i need to get away!'

and gosh, i think the only reason i wanted to get away was to realize on how much i need to get back. ive realized so many things. ive been so apathetic towards highschool, and with all a good point, but still. having this "im not gona see these people anymore in a few months" attitude is wearing thin. i've already been gone for about three weeks and i already miss well everybody. i'll list some of themin my daily schedule:

-1st: i miss wang and talking to her across the room, and caldy telling us about his life, and kevins insane outbursts and getting burned for being ecaudorian and burning back even harder about being a lowlife cocaine selling colombian.

-2nd: I MISS ROSE. and telling her random stories and making rididiculous noises and dances. and i miss maymay.

-3rd:MOMO AND JOJO.

-4th:not paying attention to class. and thinking about lunch. and talking to people. and sneaking gatorades for mark.

-5th: p.c. everyone but hitler. i like being the loudest, well, not really.

-6th: holmey hitting me on the head, and guessing if mayhall is coming or not, and talking to MIKEL. hes prolly one of the only reasons i can stay in that class, him and holmey.

I MISS LATE NITE ADVENTURES WITH LARA AND DION AND SUNNY AND LAYING ON THE STREET AT FOUR IN THE MORNING AND BEING IN A VAN TILL THE SUN COMES UP. AND I MISS DRESS SHOPPING WITH MOMO AND GETTING VISITED AT MY HOUSE IN MY PJ'S. AND I MISS MY COUSINS. AND I MISS MILK. I MISS MY CALIFORNIA COW MILK.

AND MOST IMPORTANTLY I MISS RANCH.

SWEET OL' RANCH.

well, im done sounding like a rotten 10 year old. ive lost all my aesthetic dignity. but you know what. im not here to impress.

OH AND ONLY 18 MORE DAYS.

sex on fire.

time can seal the heart.

what silly words.
but true.

i think i truly believe in curses or karma or vows or whatever hooey that is.
three years ago, almost four, i screamed out to the sky my own undoing.
never a love, a lover, a person to hold for the rest of my four year transition.
i was done with your kind.
and as i come to an end of this time of candy hearts and movie sittings, i think back and realize why it was never me. not in pity of course, but just in wonder.
ive done without. but its never came across to me.


in other words,
you, my dear, are gona hate me as i walk through the door, arm in arm with somebody you consider close to you. arm in arm, your enemy and friend.

and other other words,
ive come to the conclusion that being a year away from you, literally, in that spanse of 120 minutes where something new and something old collided made a difference.
too much of one.
i'll miss waiting for you.
but thats all i ever did, was wait.
and you never gave me any chance to see a messiah in the view.

IN OTHER OTHER OTHER WORDS:
IM MOVIN' ON.

HARK! thy hairy angels' wings.

its that time again. bring out the holly and run away from that mistletoe.
cause baby, its christmas.

i'm going to have to say,
it wasnt a bad christmas eve, ate some turkey and ham and tamales (yes, i know im a flamin' latina feevvaaa), talked to my HB mar mar, found myself something to do on the 25th (MADE MY DAY)and slighty professed my love. just kidding about the last one.
tomorrow, its opening presents time and i really dont care what i get im just grateful for today..like really it couldnt be better. well, it could be better. but i mean take what you have.
i feel kinda pointless. but not a bad pointless. just i have no point. no creative juices. no mojo.
oh well.



i love this man.
best christmas songs ever.

life in general.

i like it when people answer "life in general" when they get asked a question.

i'm not gonna lie.
i kinda miss them, not like immensenly.
but i do.
its sad how so many memories go to waste because you dont want to look back at them in anger.
like my brain is a closet, and all those fun times and escapes get shoved in the back with old clothes to collect dust.
but i dont think theres any remedy really. like what can i do? apologies not accepted and mistakes are irreversible.
sometimes i wish i had that memory eraser like in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and i can go start a new life somewhere else.


this is funny.
and stupid.

best story ever that was never finished.

written by: james sainz

published : 10th grade 2007


(click to make bigger)

relentless.

reckless.
and unregretful.
THATS WHAT I NEED TO BE.

find the lost treasure, travel the no mans land and just DO IT.
i want to be the person i always wanted to be.
A PART OF A WHOLE.

tu eres como me apéndice. a veces no recuerdo que estas conmigo, y no me importa en ese momento. pero cuando te tienes que ir de mi lado, veo el triste realidad que te necesito en mi, a mi lado. no estuve pendiente cuanto falta me vas a hacer. pero con tiempo yo se que pudeo vivir sin ti, pero con el precio de un cicatriz.

THINGS TO DO:
-get healthy!

do you really mean it?

ITS OFFICIALLY MONDAY.

and that means three more days till 17 years acomplished.

can i say...yay i did it?

halloween was great, except for the middle part. but it was still funny.

school dresssed up as james the train, later went to lemon creek with family and angel,mark,momo,mikey and later saw dion,josh and eric then lastly morgan where we tried to hit up a party but we werent in the mood.so we didnt.

i am so glad that i have my friends, like mark and momo and morgan and wang and many more.

but i really miss mark. hes is really my older brother. i can walk barefoot and have crappy no makeup face and tell him i dont think hes ugly anymore. and he will still love me. he is lucky to have a wonderful girlfriend that loves him, he derserves it. but i just wish i can see him more often, he makes me see life differently.

ive been so melancoly this past week. so much so much. but what does complaining do..nothing.

NEW SONG TO BEST SONGS EVER LIST:

the start of something by voxtrot.

there was a time.

sweat drenched and exhausted.
you talk of music and tell a story irrelavent that brings you back.
i dont remember the song, but your voice replays.
the night went by fast and i was caught by surprize,
on how you turned it around.
i dont understand you.
at all.
and
for the first time,
i dont feel so different.

boy, one day you'll be a man.

my feet is my only carriage,

So Ive got to push on through.
But while Im gone, I mean:
Everythings gonna be all right!

weekend cap-up-

friday:home fall asleep.
saturday: SAT, eagle eye with family,freak out sleep.
sunday: swapswap,dress shopping with the terrible two SBF crew, calm down/no doubt and sleep.

right now my life is a book shelf. a book falls out of place and messes up the alphabetized routine. disorder. and then the book goes back into its slot and everything seems alright untill the next one decides to get misplaced. or i decide to get a new book. either way, someway,someshape things will be okay just reading along.

please please please.

...candles make a lovely light
But not as bright as your eyes tonight.

please dont bail on me.
this means so much to me.

i have everything planned in my head. the shopping, the preparation, the walk down, the look on your face and the hurting cheeks from all the smiling and posing for pictures, the ride there (not the conversation though), the late dine-out, and the surprize at the end that will emabark a momentus occasion in your life.

i hope you dont think i am going overboard but ive never attended one of these shennanigans and doing all this effort is the appreciation i have of you accompaning me there. please dont mistake it as sly affection. im really not asking much on your part just to be there for mine.

i am happy being someone.

You’re in the mood for a dance
And when you get the chance...

i have always loved the stereotypical dance scene feeling. the pretty dress,made up and hair up, awkard date and horrible pictures. i love the guy finding the cute way to ask the girl, her saying yes and bragging to her friends and ulitmately the uncomfortableness of weird rubbing on the dance floor. haha. i mostly like the getting ready part. but either way. not everything is the way things are planned. i cant be queen and i'm not seventeen yet. so thats probaly never gona be. mostly i am a general old fashioned girl. im kinda normal and just casual. but im not really. the most disturbing thing is i found out once again from the same person that made me realize so many other things about me. making me want to change who i am. but i know i cant. i know i never will. and i know for the surest fact that i should'nt. be who you are. because in the end thats all you'll ever be, you. im odd. and its okay.

TODAY I: helped my sister gain confidence, found out more about myself that i am becoming a better person,made a closer and better friend,watched a guy movie that blew my mind, doubted myself and then regained it, realized just cause we have many things in common we arent meant to be(its just coincidence) and ultimately found that being old-fashioned, is well old-fashioned. just ask.

SO AND SO FORTH. it was a good day/night.