the start.

its a tug-a-war.
one side, the other.
and the only one falling in the mud is me.
do i leave everything behind?
is this really me?





it could be.

sex on fire.

time can seal the heart.

what silly words.
but true.

i think i truly believe in curses or karma or vows or whatever hooey that is.
three years ago, almost four, i screamed out to the sky my own undoing.
never a love, a lover, a person to hold for the rest of my four year transition.
i was done with your kind.
and as i come to an end of this time of candy hearts and movie sittings, i think back and realize why it was never me. not in pity of course, but just in wonder.
ive done without. but its never came across to me.


in other words,
you, my dear, are gona hate me as i walk through the door, arm in arm with somebody you consider close to you. arm in arm, your enemy and friend.

and other other words,
ive come to the conclusion that being a year away from you, literally, in that spanse of 120 minutes where something new and something old collided made a difference.
too much of one.
i'll miss waiting for you.
but thats all i ever did, was wait.
and you never gave me any chance to see a messiah in the view.

IN OTHER OTHER OTHER WORDS:
IM MOVIN' ON.

life in general.

i like it when people answer "life in general" when they get asked a question.

i'm not gonna lie.
i kinda miss them, not like immensenly.
but i do.
its sad how so many memories go to waste because you dont want to look back at them in anger.
like my brain is a closet, and all those fun times and escapes get shoved in the back with old clothes to collect dust.
but i dont think theres any remedy really. like what can i do? apologies not accepted and mistakes are irreversible.
sometimes i wish i had that memory eraser like in eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and i can go start a new life somewhere else.


this is funny.
and stupid.

i'm (not) okay.

seventeen and half-alive.

theres so many thoughts and repeating lyrics going through my head. so many thoughts, i wish i could put them all in a net,run to desert around me and set them free.

i should take in the scenary, this is the kind of scenary that kids like me fall in love to. the cactus on the ground, the vast pale dirt, a tumbleweed here and there and colors so vivid and bright it looks as if the sky was on fire.

there isnt enought time. we need to leave it all behind. i know youre right for me, i know it, do you? is this a phase, my mind pulls me left and my heart pulls me right. nothing today will matter tomorrow. hundreds of miles away and your as close as my breath in the cold air.

i can see the future now. the day comes, we whisper goodbye and false promise reunions in the summer. the months pass, you travel off and i make my life somewhere. years pass and im ready to leave life here with a promising smile and a promise on a new life. bump into you somwhere near home, a store shelf perhaps. i greet you, your face the same but you're aged i can tell. experience wraps your body, pulling me in. we sit for a talk on what we have accomplished. while you talk of life up north, i remember the love i had in my heart, and for a while it seeps through like and oil leak, but i suck it up. why did i not tell you, would it have mattered? should i tell you now after all this time?

we part our ways,agree to communicate and remember those days.

the definition of bittersweet.