"You I thought I was so in love,

Some say it wasn't true
Now that I'm older
Now, now that I'm older."

I am so lost. Lost in the wild. I am joking I am not the West of Kanye. I do not want to think of the future. I miss your writings. Lately I have been thinking of what is the point of life. I have no idea, I did not think of it that much. I wish I could be in different dimensions where you see what could have happened. Time is scary. I need to stop. I need to slow down. I need to stop.

you'll marry a music man.

THE SCENE:

if you walk up the stairs, its dark but not yet late and quiet other then the faint sound of lyrical whispers. keep going.

you reach the top and hear music and see a light comming from the the middle door in the hall.

approaching it you hear these words "Blue jean baby, L.A. lady, seamstress for the band,

Pretty eyed, pirate smile, you'll marry a music man" at full blast.

open the door, a room quite kept up but at the same time so misplaced, its nothing then paradoxical. books up to the top, photographs on the wall and instruments hanging from various places of the four sky colored walls. and you set your eyes on the bed.

sprawled across it, laying outstreched and outplayed is a teenage girl. maybe a lady, maybe just not their yet. her height stunted at 12 and looks like she just like just climbed mt. everest. she knows her future but doesnt know how to get there. brows furrowed and she bellows out more words but behind that

I was your silver lining

but now I'm gold.

How can I tell you?

How can I tell you?

How can I tell myself?

My bed is a boat

It drifts along as I dream.

I love you, you sway me and move me. I am like the ocean, and you the moon. Without you things will die, stiff and static. Little lives here and there. Just keep shining on me as I watch from below. I reflect you, I am vast and you, my light, will never have a night without you in me.

I can never be happy, I want to be an animal. I just want to be loyal and have kids and find food and die. They have it so easy, they do not even realize they live their life just to die at the end. It just happens for them.

Flesh feels so nice.

Soft and warm.

And the drums of our heartbeats out of tune.

It makes me wonder if everybody experiences this.

The flesh doesn't stay warm forever.

And the drums sound brassy and dull, then they stop.

everybody experiences this.

i

sometimes wonder why bad things happen to good people.

like really really good hearted people.

i wish i could ask God if there is some reason for it?

like if he wants to teach us a lesson,

and if so what is it?

sure enough, there is someone out there wondering the exact same thing at this precise moment.

its the weirdest sensation being lost.
its even stranger when i dont even know im lost until its too late.
i dont really know how to describe it.
it was like my body was face to face with fear, getting punched in the face by it, then on the floor having reality kick me in the stomach spitting on me saying "you dont know where the fuck you are" and once on the floor my own mind turns on me and robs me of all hope that i have until i am in the parking space of a shopping center on 2nd street 6300 N, long beach,CA. an hour and something from home.

booga wooga

i need to clean out my car
i love my car his name is bowie
hes a transvestite
from transexual transelvania
theres nothing that i really want to talk about
i just want to write
i love driving to school in the mornings
and esp at night
but i need to get down to buisneesss
and im going to get my credits down
to transfer out
by next semester
i think?
winter session
and then im hopefully out to a private
somewhere in la?
dunno
or i could throw everything out the window and just go to live in europe
eh..
i have to sing 'someone like you' from jeykll and hyde today
dkfaj;ljd the last 16 bars and its killing me
now im going to go to target
and then star bucks
with the ebnator

i am going to see parade! this weekend.

19 you're only 19 for godsake you don't need a boyfriend!

im not sad. it doesnt hurt.
i just wish i could have no holds
how unhumanly possible is that?
i want to go from city to city
state to state
country to country.
just spend some time in one place, make friends and memories and then just leave.
i cant imagine a life of just the same thing over and over again
redundant. repetitive. trite.
going home to husband and kids. going home to boringness. nope not me.
i think this goes good with who i am
like when i look at pictures and just wish i could delete them
all of them and forget.
i have never had a fucking niche.
i will never find my fucking niche.
and i like it that way.



as the day of friday.
may the wrecking of havoc commence.

bob looked up to joan
she showed him the ropes
they became friends
then lovers
then bob realized that he didnt need her anymore
she still loved him but he burned those ropes
they hated each other
bob despised her and she just turned the other cheek
he became who he was
and she stood on the sidelines were all the flowers had gone
for years and years
while he became who he is
they tried again
they were older then
and she tried so hard to be with who she was with back then
but it never could be that way again
so bob went his own way
and she stayed in hers

“Me and Joan? … She brought me up … I rode on her, but I don’t think I owe her anything … I feel bad for her because she has nobody to turn to that’s going to be straight with her …”
Bob Dylan.

the twist is

you're just like me,
you need company
you need human heat.

i dunno why i do the things i do.
sometimes i like to think that there is some sorta mystical and all fulfilling reason behind this.
like if life really happened for a reason.
like, if every single little insignificant thing we do has some fate towards it and affects us in the long run.
at this moment i cant really give a valid example but there is always some.

maybe i shouldnt think this way?
what if i thought that life just happens, and no matter what we do everything is subject to change and what we do is just as we do it.

i have scorned god before, i have neglected him and just thought the idea of him is ludacris
and i understand why i could have seen it that way.
i was ashamed to admit my defeat about believing in sucha thing.

but i realize that i rather live life believing in god, having hope and and believing him and believing that everything happens for a reason then to be lonely, unsure, pathetic and hopeless living life just as it may come.
i love waking up knowing that tomorrow always gives me a chance to start again.

L-CARNITINE+TAURINE+GINSENG+B VITAMINS =

me up all night trying to study for all the freaking tests i have next week.
so a monster and the tv on mute and the light on and the fan on and the laptop and pretty dead girl songs playin in my mind and napoleon bonaparte are all around me.

oooo you make me live

you're my best friend


i wish i lived in the 80s i could have nappy ass hair and wear cute clothes and have three earings on one side and one earing on the other and it would be normal.

someone once said that with all the technology nowadays by the year 2040 a time machine will be invented. but wouldnt you think that people from the future would have visited us now?

all i need

this is old.
i painted it.
its shaggy & crystal.
she turned out to be an alien.

have you ever had a moment or time lapse so perfect, so happy, so inexplainable that it just felt like a queen song?

i wonder what it would feel like.

lyrics of the night:
"And it's impossible to tell
How important someone was
And what you might have missed out on
And how he might have changed it all
And how you might have changed it all for him
And how you might have changed it all
And how he might have changed it all for you"
-"intuition" by feist

"But someone,
They could have warned you
When things start splitting at the seams and now"
-'no one's gonna love you' by band of horses.


"Why wait any longer for the world to begin
You can have your cake and eat it too
Why wait any longer for the one you love
When he's standing in front of you"
-'lay lady lay'-bob dylan

i think my favorite love song ever, has to be "lay lady lay" by bob dylan.
its just so good, every part of it.
and then "just like heaven" by the cure
and then a bunch, i havent really measured them.

time warp

ive been so entertained lately. doing stuff at school staying till really late, rehersals, luncheons, friends with crazy stories to la, and all before i go home.
and then i go home. and wait till it begins again monday.
i havent really "gone out" like during my home time, in quite awhile.
theres like this seperation between my home life and school life. it never mingles nobody knows who i talk to everyday at home. i dont neccissarelreklhjafla know if i like it. but i still feel the need to branch out,im getting stuck in one group again and that i know will be a problem. i just will all the guys werent gay, literally gay. thats what you get in this kind of atmosphere.
its also weird, sometimes i do feel like im looking through a movie lens, like im just watching people and i dont really know whats going on. i dont know them i dont know what im talking about. nevermind.
but today, about a few minutes ago, i realized that i its like i never went to highschool, it didnt matter where i went, or who i was, its ground zero now and im perfectly fine with that. i found my yearbook, curiously i opened it from the back and started flipping through and i couldnt look. i just closed it before getting to the pc page. i dont want to be reminded of stuff of that sorts.
people dont understand its better that way. just to forget.

but lo and behold, i still have to buy a damn formal dress and put that stupid thing back on my head for the last time.

"its sad when people you know, become people you knew"

"when you can walk right past someone like they were never a big part of your life. how you used to be able to talk for hours and how now, you can barely even look at them."





A-

Available: yes

Age: 17

Annoyance: shittalkers, disrespectful people, chewing noises when its quiet, and this one squeeky noise like rubbing together
Animal: blobfish



B-

Beer: nastiness

Birthday: november 6th
Best Friends: TBA

Body Part on opposite sex: hands

Best feeling in the world: driving down a highway with a good song on and the wind in your hair,

dusk listening to the cars, and the beach at night

Blind or Deaf: blind

Best weather: autum days and summer nights
Been in Love: never

Been on stage?: ohh yes

Believe in Magic: sometimes

Believe in God: yes
Believe in Santa: not anymore


C-

Candy: ring pops

Color: pink and yellow
Chocolate/Vanilla: chocolate even though i cant eat it

Chinese/Mexican: chinese

Cake or pie: pie i hate cake

Continent to visit: europe

Cheese: yes please



D-

Day or Night: Night

Dance in the rain?: along with singing

Do the splits?: noo



E-

Eggs: worst food ever!

Eyes: black

Everyone’s got: a story to tell


F-

First thoughts waking up: i wish i was still dreaming

Food: tomato soup, shwarma, chili chese fries and eggplants



G-

Greatest Fear: not getting to live enough

Goals: find out what i want in the future and help people

Gum: for a certain amount of time

Get along with your parents?: ehh

Good luck charm: dont believe in luck



H-

Hair Color: black

Happy: try to be

Holiday: halloween and christmas

How do you want to die: in my dreams or sleep when im 100



I-

Ice Cream: jamoca almond fudge

Instrument: harmonica



J-

Jewelry: anything given to me or made

Job: yes, please



K

Kids: it depends on where im at in life

Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing



L-

Longest Car Ride: to texas then to mexico; careride from hell

Love: an ideal

Letter: i love letters

Laughed so hard you cried: today, as a matter a fact



M-

Milk flavour: chocolate

Movies: harold and maude, eternal sunshine of the spotless mind,...i cant even name them all
Motion sickness: nope



N-

Number of Siblings: 3

Number of Piercings: 4, 3 on my left and one on my right

Number: ∞



O-

One wish: to be truly happy but at the same time understand reality


P-

Perfect Pizza: lots of vegetables

Pepsi/Coke: dr pepper or iced tea



Q-

Quail: so cute



R-

Reason to cry: physical pain

Reality T.V.: the devils pasttime

Radio Station: k-earth, not so much anymore

Roll your tongue in a circle?: idunno

Ring size: ?



S-

Sushi: okay

Skipped school: yes

Slept outside: yes

Smoke?: no, i like my lungs

Skinny dipped?: no

Shower daily?: yes

Sing well?: alto/mezzo-soprano with high belt

Sing in the Shower?: yes

Swear?: try not too
Strawberries/Blueberries: Strawberries



T-

Time for bed: when i cant stay up anymore
Thunderstorms: its okay



U-

Unpredictable: mostly



V-

Vacation spot: anywhere exciting



W-

Weakness: people who are nice and i feel bad for them

Wanted to be a model?: no
Where do we go when we die?: to disneyland

Worst Weather?: hott hot weather



X-

X-Rays: thumb and mri for brain?
Ex’s: 1 (if that even counts)



Y-

Year it is now: 2009

Yellow: clothes



Z-

Zoo animal: beluga whales





i wish it wasnt so hott anymore, and i want to go to la alot more and i need to stop being so awkward, its, well awkward.

and i want my car, i hate that i dont get to have it untill i pay my own insurance.

so i cant drive to la until i get it,

and there is this guy that looks like a hobbit in my class.. so cute! i want to go with him to find the ring, imagine if when he married somebody he could take her and do like a re-enactment of the lord of the rings trilogy but without the scary part, only the finding the ring part, and their wedding could be all lord of the ringsy and could get married by gandolf! and their ring could be THE RING!

DAMN im getting all excited and i bet he never made the connection that he looks like a hobbit.

i want to tell him, but i dont want him to think im creepy or anything, i wont tell him the part about the ring wedding but maybe that he looks like a hobbit,

i think im going to wait till i become more of his friend.



theres also this guy named joey, hes kinda like eh okay looking when you first look at him, he sorta reminds me of my old sadies date, but anyways, when he opens his mouth to sing, he becomes the sexiest thing on earth, i would go out with him, if he wasnt gay (or i think he is, but im pertty sure is and im just in denial) i guess thats how rock stars work, like some are just butt ugly but then they sing and they become sex gods.



i also realized that there are alot of people that just talk about sex, really just out in the open, as if they are talking about food they enjoy, ex: this girl is like "oh i just fcked things up with joey" and i say "why?" and she says "yesterday, i was supposed to meet with his him but i met up with his best friend instead and i fcked him and now joey doesnt want to have sex with me" and me :"ohh..."

i dont even have an answer to that, i thought she was saying that to act cool or something, but no. she really did.

oh well, shes nice, i guess.



i realized that im really really into music and movies, almost too into it. i yet have found anybody that has heard of the music i listen to, well this one guy kinda knows the indie bands, but he smells funky and is kinda a retro hippie, is name is taras, but yeah not totally.

i thought i would since its college and all, but then again the only people i talk to have showtunes taking up 88% of their itunes.

and nobody that watches that much movies either.

but i cant complain.

and that is how it is

six words that constantly are going through my mind
mostly every part of the day
good or bad, and it means everything

im in an okay place, nothing to great, nothing to bad
i've lost some fear but at the same time i can feel it trying to push up inside me,
competeing with the stomach acid that i have from eating any amount of chocolate.

i like the weather today, not too hot or cold. i loved it went well with my mood
theres something thats telling me to accomplish more, but i dont know what to?
im getting better at singing, im keeping my comments to myself and im meeting some nice people and some beastly people, but all the same im treating them the same.
nicely.
"nice, nice, very nice"
and i mean every smile, every comment.
and thats the way it goes.

pride & prejudice

"I could easily forgive his pride, if he had not mortified mine."

this is one of the things that stuck out the most the fifth time i read that book. each time i read it something different comes and slaps me on the face, little everyday epiphanies.
sometimes i think it could have come out differently, sometimes i wish i didnt let myself get the best of me, sometimes i wish i hadnt read those things you said, and sometimes i wish you didnt say those things, sometimes i even miss you, but mostly sometimes i just try not think of it.

that is how it goes.


how do you feel about life: "Always love"-Nada Surf
who do you want to kiss: "starlett johansson"-The Teenagers
where do you want to be:"all for swinging you around"-The New Pornographers
who is your best friend:"a call to apathy"-The Shins
how do you feel about him/her:"all i ask of you"-Phantom of the Opera
what did you dream about last night: "pictures in an exhibition"-Death Cab for Cutie
where do you want to live: "No surprise"-Radiohead
how was your high school experience: "here we go magic"-Tunnelvision
first boyfriend/girlfriend: "i dreamed we fell apart"-Memphis
your ex: "the quiet things that no one ever knows" -Brand New


winter, where are you?